The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's shark week go big or go home
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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