How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
