The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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