I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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