My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
