my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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