I should be sponsored by Trojan
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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