are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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