Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
