sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize