What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
