i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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