how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
