WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
