everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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