he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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