he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
