did you get engaged???
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize