Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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