if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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