Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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