For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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