The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
