Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
