return my video game
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
