dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
