I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
