I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You were trust falling into bushes
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Randomize
