dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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