I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
