I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
