apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You may now shotgun with the bride
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
