Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
