my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
