there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
