I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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