He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
