He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
