when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
