i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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