I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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