Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
