Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
