the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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