Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
