I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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