my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
