I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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