well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
