drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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