Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I fill condoms, not promises.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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