I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
pop tarts are not kleenex
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize