So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize