Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
