I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
