i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
