Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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