I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The air taste purple.
Randomize
