after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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