I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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